Our Interview with Abby (THE Badass Breastfeeder!)

A few weeks ago, I serendipitously stumbled upon the e-mail course called "Becoming a Badass Public Breastfeeder in 7 Days."  For those of you who have been following our blog since January 2013, you are already well aware that I am in the process of creating a San Diego Nursing in Public Task Force to assist mothers who have dealt with nursing in public harassment.  In this process, I have been combing the Internet to find websites to include in our resource list.  Well, as always, Abby (The Badass Breastfeeder) has outdone herself by creating something that is fresh, pertinent, and totally relatable for breastfeeding mothers.  I was dying to 'meet' her, as well as ask her a few questions about her email course, and she enthusiastically agreed to an interview.  So, here's Abby telling a little about herself and sharing her fantastic resource, Becoming a Badass Public Breastfeeder in 7 Days! 

Tell us a little about yourself.  When and why did you start The Badass Breastfeeder?

Ok, well, I can be a bit chatty so I might tell you more than you ever really wanted to know about me! I was born in Cincinnati, OH. I have lived in Columbus, OH; Racine, WI; Abcoude and Amsterdam, Holland; Brooklyn and Queens, NY; and Chicago, IL. I am 36 years old. I received my Bachelor’s Degree in Criminology/Psychology from John Jay College of Criminal Justice in NYC in 2001 (yes, I was there during the 9/11 terrorist attacks. That sucked). My now husband and I moved from NYC to Chicago, IL in 2003. I received my Master’s Degree in Social Work from Jane Addams College of Social Work in 2009. I spent 14 years working with adolescents and their families involved in the criminal justice system and the child welfare system.

It all came to a sudden stop when my son, Jack, was born on July 30, 2011. I suddenly knew nothing about children. Everything that I had believed and thought was thrown into question when I met my son. There was not one aspect of parenting that I planned for that fit with how I felt about my new life. I started completely over and basically read so much that I got another Master’s degree, but this time in gentle parenting. I didn’t really get another degree, but I immersed myself in information about breastfeeding, babywearing, cosleeping, etc. I struggled big time with getting started with breastfeeding. I felt totally alone and afraid. I felt like a failure every time it was time to nurse Jack. He seemed to hate it. He cried, struggled and popped on and off. We supplemented with formula and my breastfeeding relationship with my son was close to ending every day. I was devastated. Then we decided to kick the formula. The more I read the more empowered I felt. I fought really hard to get him exclusively breastfeeding. I stayed up all day and all night reading everything under the sun. By 2 month we were exclusively breastfeeding. I felt so powerful! I started to feel like my old self again, but better. I had learned so much about myself and we were now on an exciting journey to gentle parenting and Jack would be in charge of weaning. I was so excited. I had so much to say and share. Then one day I was harassed by some moms in a private Facebook group for posting a photo of me breastfeeding in a park. The next day in March 2012 I started a Facebook page to share these pictures publicly because I wanted moms to have a place to celebrate breastfeeding where they would be free from harassment. I started a blog for my friends where I shared the details of my parenting journey. And then I have no idea what happened! It just got really big really fast. I started channeling my passion for advocacy from my social career into sharing information with other moms and challenging what we were hearing from the mainstream and providing support where it was majorly lacking. It grew and grew and grew! I have tried to let moms guide me and show me what they need.

What inspired you to create the email course: Becoming a Badass Breastfeeder?

It became clear from running the Facebook page that our culture sees breasts as sexual and nothing else. Women are afraid of being harassed when they breastfeed in public. Women are being devalued as mothers and nurturers. Women choose not to breastfeed at all sometimes because of discomfort with their bodies or having never been around it. Women get the message that their bodies are to be hidden away for the sexual use by the partners. We have become so disconnected from our natural purpose and power. Some women become mothers and never see breastfeeding at all until they are breastfeeding their own babies. I got so much feedback from women who said that they were afraid to breastfeed in public. This motivated me to take all of my thoughts about breastfeeding in public, all of the support and advice I had given on the Facebook page and my blog, and put it into one place. In November 2012 I created the e-mail course “Become a Badass Public Breastfeeder in 7 Days.” The e-course is a great method because people can get small bits of information allowing them to think about it and digest it before moving onto another topic. I worked harder on it than I thought I would and through writing it I became even more passionate about the topic. I feel like it solidified for me my niche as The Badass Breastfeeder.

What resources does a mother receive when she signs up for the course and where can she sign up?

In the e-course, a mother will receive tips for exuding confidence while nursing in public, tips for dealing with staring (which is the number 1 fear I heard from women), ideas about clothing and finding comfy spots in public, tutorials on how to breastfeed while babywearing, detailed advice on engaging unsupportive family and friends in a conversation about nursing in public, comebacks for negative comments from the public, and a summary of the laws that protect breastfeeding in public. I focus on empowerment through rethinking about our bodies and providing information. You can sign up at www.badasspublicbreastfeeding.com. I have also created a workbook version that goes into much greater detail and engages the mother in a journey of self-reflection designed to empower her on all levels of motherhood. I created this doe to the demand from many women who wanted to do the course with their friends and for professionals interested in running groups on the topic. More information on this can be found at http://www.gentleparentinfo.com/UltimateNIPGuide.html.

Have you received any feedback about this course?

It has gotten great reviews! I get e-mails from women, on a daily basis, who say that they no longer feel afraid, that they nurse in public regularly and feel empowered as a mother. I am quite happy! It’s more than I ever expected. I feel if breastfeeding in public can be normalized then more babies will be breastfed. And that is the entire point.

What are your top five tips for Becoming a Badass Breastfeeder?

1. Change your thinking about your body. We can become so focused on our insecurities, but when we reframe our thinking it actually changes the way we feel about ourselves and the way we act.

2. Engage fully with your baby. This will help take the focus off of others so you won’t be as concerned about what they are thinking or where they are looking.

3. Get into babywearing! It makes it so much easier when you are out and about. I know breastfeeding while babywearing can be difficult to figure out, but the course can help.

4. Learn how the breastfeeding laws in your state protect you. You can print them out and carry them around. You might be surprised by how much more confidence this gives you.

5. Create a support network of family and friends. It’s almost impossible to be successful at anything when the people in our lives are unsupportive. The largest section of the course is about engaging family and friends to be more supportive and finding like-minded moms to meet face to face. Moms are so good at supporting moms! 

When It's Time to Find a New Lactation Consultant

Recently, I have noticed many conversations online where breastfeeding mothers have expressed feelings of despair and frustration that their needs were not met while working with a lactation consultant. In fact, this isn't just happening online, but also in my community as well. 

Last week, my appointment with a new mom started off with her explaining that she was feeling very fragile and insecure, as she had already met with a lactation consultant and it didn't go so well.  When I asked her what happened, she described a lactation consultation that had gone completely wrong.  In a nutshell, the IBCLC told the mom that if she followed her pediatrician's advice (which I actually thought was quite reasonable advice) that she would completely lose her already low milk supply (which was absolutely not the case) and that she should just consider bottle feeding her baby if her nipples hurt that badly.  At the end of the consultation, the mom felt completely defeated and that she was a horrible mom for wanting to follow her pediatrician's advice. 

This story absolutely infuriated me! 

How could this have happened?  How could this wonderful mom, who had been proactive about resolving some minimal breastfeeding challenges, suddenly feel inadequate and ill-equipped to take care of her new baby?  How could this lactation consultant have had such a negative impact on this woman's elf-esteem, especially during such a vulnerable time?

In the midst of all of these negative stories, I felt compelled to write an article listing some situations that indicate it is time to see a new lactation consultant.  I'd like to apologize upfront.  Some may find that the tone of this article is somewhat harsh, but I have to say that I am pretty fired up right now.  I am angry about how breastfeeding mothers are mistreated.

When it is time to find a new lactation consultant? 

The lactation consultant makes you feel like a bad mother

While the purpose for a lactation appointment with me is to improve breastfeeding challenges, my utmost goal is that I help the breastfeeding mom see what she is already doing well and to offer positive emotional support and guidance.  Being a new mother can be incredibly overwhelming and I remember second guessing everything I was doing, as this was completely unfamiliar territory.  No matter what the situation, there is always something that you are doing well and that is what the appointment should build upon.  If you are made to feel like you are doing everything wrong, then it's time to seek the help of a new practitioner. 

The lactation consultant doesn't provide you with  reasonable rationale for her recommendations

You are allowed to question any advice given to you by any practitioner... that is your right as a parent.  If something doesn't seem correct, ask the LC for her rationale.  If she can't provide you with a reason for her suggestions, or she seems upset or bothered that you would question her recommendations, the it's time to find a new LC.

The lactation consultant seems more concerned that you breastfeed than meeting your individual needs

Yes, breastfeeding can be great!  Yes, breastmilk is far superior to formula!  Yes, you clearly want breastfeeding to 'work'.... why else would you have called an LC for help in the first place???  Yet, while breastfeeding is optimal for your health and your baby's health, the first questions that an LC should ask is, "What do you want to work on today and what are your breastfeeding goals?"  The consultation should be all about YOU and YOUR needs, not what the LC thinks is most important.

You don't feel like there is a positive connection between the two of you

When you work with a lactation consultant, you should feel like this person truly cares about you and your child. Your needs and your baby's needs should come first.  Our mission is to help you meet those needs in the simplest way possible.  Sometimes the path to meet your goals is not easy...sometimes it is downright complicated (think twins with tongue-ties!),  but you should feel like the lactation consultant cares about you and your baby, both physically and emotionally.  She should support your wishes and help you to meet your goal.  And if your goal changes, she should stand behind you for those as well.

You just want a second opinion

Think about it, if you were dealing with a medical issue and you didn't totally like the doctor's recommendation, wouldn't you seek a second opinion?  When our son was having behavioral and developmental challenges, we not only spoke with our pediatrician, but also an osteopath, a chiropractor, and a nutritionist.  It was the osteopath that finally figured out that my son had a gluten intolerance, not a developmental delay, and we were so thankful that we had an opportunity to seek out additional opinions.  There have been times when I have recommended my clients to seek a second opinion from a physician, chiropractor, and even another local lactation consultant, if I felt that it would help her baby.  There's no shame is saying that you would like a second opinion.

As with all things related to breastfeeding and parenting, you should always feel supported, not judged, by your health care providers.  Breastfeeding CAN be wonderful and relaxing and joyous and fulfilling, especially if you surround yourself with supportive, caring, and nurturing family, friends, and practitioners!   There are many qualified International Board Certified Lactation Consultants (IBCLCs), around the world, who would love to provide you with the type of support you desire.  You deserve to be with the one who's the best fit for you!

*** As a side note, these scenarios could also indicate a reason to find ANY new health practitioner, as they are relatable to many different professions as well.

Toddler Nursing Part II – Toddler vs. Breastfeeding

Written by guest blogger, Andrea J. Blanco, IBCLC

Have you ever read Dinosaur vs. Bedtime by Bob Shea?

“ROAR!! I’m a dinosaur! ROAR! NOTHING CAN STOP ME!”

It’s a cute little book about this dinosaur who faces many challenges, and wins all but one. The dinosaur is FOR SURE a toddler. I just know it.

In my previous post, we talked about some of the reasons why nursing a toddler can be a helpful transition for you and your little one. Dealing with a little person who has so many changes going on all at once can feel a lot like those battles in Dinosaur vs. Bedtime. Here are some suggestions for turning the tables on your little dinosaur or dinosaurette.

I want to keep nursing, but am being pressured to quit.

In this society, if you happen to be nursing your 3 month old, you are in the minority. Six months? You are an anomaly. If you’ve gotten to the point where you’re thinking of nursing your toddler, then it is safe to assume that not everyone around you will understand or agree that you are doing a very important, *normal* thing. However, dealing with that lack of support is crucial to your wellbeing and to the likely continuation of your breastfeeding relationship. So what can you do if the people closest to you don’t necessarily share your same enthusiasm?

First, have a conversation about their concerns. Be a good listener and find out why continued nursing is bothersome for them. It’s rarely about YOU nursing YOUR toddler that is offensive to them and has to do with other concerns, like spending time with you (in the case of a partner) or spending time with the baby (in the case of extended family) or concerns (real or perceived) over your work duties (in the case of an employer). If you’re able to get to the real issue for which breastfeeding is taking the hit, making small changes to show you are conscientious of their concerns will get the attention off the nursing and you and your toddler can continue your breastfeeding relationship.

There are times when despite your best efforts, it will feel like a lonely journey. However, in this day and age, that needn’t be the case. A lot of communities offer breastfeeding support groups and even breastfeeding toddler groups. Check with your local hospital or La Leche League chapter to see if there are any in your area. When my first was approaching toddlerhood, I found my support through online forums where I met some great, like-minded mommas whose virtual support was key to our continued breastfeeding success. If you’re on Facebook, become a member of one of the many groups there are offering mother-to-mother support. Are you on Twitter? Search #breastfeeding and for the most part, you’ll be met with tons of virtual kindness. What about downloading some great podcasts from The Boob Group? You don’t need an army of people cheering your name – sometimes one person who gets what you are going through is enough. Toddler Nursing vs. the World? Toddler Nursing WINS!

My toddler is very demanding about wanting to nurse, even when I don’t want to.

As you’ve probably realized, toddlers are VERY demanding about EVERYTHING. Nursing will definitely not be excluded. It’s easy to continue to fall into this routine of “on-demand” nursing when you’ve been at it for so long, but with your child’s developing language comes the understanding that we live in a world where patience and manners are necessary and there are boundaries. While breastfeeding does still serve a nutritional purpose in that second year of life, it probably isn’t what your toddler is surviving on alone. In the same way that you are curbing the throwing of sippy cups on the floor so hard that the top comes off and the water (if you’re lucky, it’s just water!) spills everywhere, you can begin to curb the octopus arms toddlers suddenly develop when trying to get to the breast. Model the behavior you wish to see and be gentle, but firm about it (laughing or smiling and cooing at how cute it is that your little one grabs at your shirt and pulls so hard while yelling for some milkies when you’re trying to say no isn’t very effective). Octopus Hands vs. Nursing Manners? Nursing Manners WIN!

But, what if I’m out and my toddler still wants to nurse?

Maybe nursing a baby in public has been a challenge for you. If so, then the idea of nursing a toddler in public is really intimidating. Because toddlers are all about exploring the world around them, they are [generally] easy to distract when you’re out. There was, however, that one time at mass when my little angel decided that the crayons and snacks I’d brought along weren’t going to cut it. Nothing like hearing “BOOOOOBIEEEEEE” being yelled out in a quiet room built to echo. As mortified as I may have been at the moment, it’s also one of my most cherished memories. If distraction isn’t working, with a little quick thinking, there’s always a quiet place you and your little one can go for that needed pit stop, breastfeeding under the choir robes included. Also, while you are aware you’re nursing a toddler, most people wouldn’t even think of it, so just as in the case of a baby, to a passerby, it can look like your child is sleeping on your lap, and nothing else (this, of course, doesn’t apply if your son has already announced his plans to the entire congregation). Boobie vs. Echo? Boobie WINS!

When all else fails, don’t forget – you can set boundaries. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I’ve dealt with countless clients who, by the time their child gets to a certain age, are having a hard time continuing the nursing relationship because of these demanding moments. If you are at your wit’s end and feel like you want to keep nursing but…, try to find a middle ground. If you are able to target the most stressful times and/or nursing behaviors, you can then find ways to work around them. Maybe that means finding gentle ways to say no by way of distraction more often than you are used to, but if it goes hand in hand with keeping your sanity and in turn, continuing your nursing relationship, then, whether your toddler agrees with you at the particular moment or not, it’s still a win/win situation. Demanding Toddler vs. Boundaries? Boundaries WIN!

Nursing a toddler, like having a toddler, isn’t always easy, but if you so happen to embark on the journey, you may find it is always worth it. It gives you another mothering tool to help navigate those battlefield moments and is a sure fire way to connect with your child amidst this busy life we lead. One day my little one got his finger caught in the door and came wobbling over to me, tears of pain streaming down his soft, round toddler cheeks. Instinctively, I lowered my shirt and offered the breast. The older one, worried about his brother, came over and said to him “You see, B? There is love in there so you’ll be ok.” I realized the only reason he felt that way was because of what he experienced at the breast by way of watching and doing. I couldn’t have asked for a bigger reward from my nursing relationships. Toddler vs. Breastfeeding? Love always wins. 

Andrea Blanco is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant at The Milk Collective Lactation Care, working with families in the Miami/Ft. Lauderdale area. She is the proud mom of 2 loving, spirited boys, who teach her humility, patience, humor, and the rules to more sports than she thought she’d need to know every day. When she’s not helping families achieve their breastfeeding goals, you can find her on the sidelines, at karate tournaments, or with her toes in the sand. She can also be found at themilkcollective.co, on Instagram @themilkcollective_ , facebook.com/themilkcollectivelactation or by email at: andrea@themilkcollective.co.