Finding My Tribe of Women Through Milk Sharing

Welcome to the World Breastfeeding 2013 Blog Carnival cohosted by NursingFreedom.org and The San Diego Breastfeeding Center!

This post was written for inclusion in the WBW 2013 Blog Carnival. Our participants will be writing and sharing their stories about community support and normalizing breastfeeding all week long. Find more participating sites in the list at the bottom of this post or at the main carnival page.

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This post was written by MJ Fisher.

Milk sharing has been a huge blessing in our lives! The mamas and families that have donated to us will forever have a place in our hearts and our lives. I believe using donor milk has impacted our breastfeeding relationship by saving it! I was not able to make all of my son’s milk, but so many awesome, generous mamas donated their milk to help feed our baby, which is a pretty amazing thing! Supplementing with donor milk motivated me to do everything I could to increase my supply and save our nursing relationship so I supplemented at the breast and nursed on demand. I’m super passionate and emotional about breastfeeding and milk sharing because I’m so extremely thankful our son has only had breast milk and also because he is 2 years old now and I’m still nursing him despite having a low supply.

When I was 23 years old with 38DD breasts, I had a breast reduction.... for good reasons, yes? Yes, but if I were to do it all over again, knowing that I could possible exclusively breastfeed, I think I might have waited on the surgery. But, then again, I might not have needed donor milk and met all my wonderful donor mamas!! I had my reduction in 1999 and my son was born in June 2011. After having an empowering homebirth, we had a few days of exclusively breastfeeding (EBF) bliss.  Then our midwife weighed our son and he hadn’t gained enough and we were fighting jaundice. We got off cloud 9 and made a plan of what we needed to do – nurse, supplement, pump, supplement and repeat through the day and night. I wanted to nurse so bad and we only wanted our son to have breast milk so I opted to use a Supplemental Nursing System (SNS) with the donor milk. We nursed on demand, all day, during naps and throughout the night and supplemented with the SNS about 5 times a day in the beginning. It was draining, but I’m thankful now because I believe it only helped my supply. I’m also very lucky that my son was fine with any amount of milk I could make for him, I know some babies get frustrated when the milk doesn’t flow and mine did not when we nursed without the SNS.

 Our midwives enlightened my husband and I (as they have done about a TON of things) about donor milk because we had NO CLUE! Even my sister, a post partum doula in LA, knew about milk banks and the decent amount of money they charge.  Our midwives told us that there are mamas out there that make more milk than their babies need and they will donate it – my heart just dropped and tears were running down my cheeks, I still have no words! What a selfless act! Taking time out multiple times in your day, away from your children, to pump milk to feed other babies and help them to thrive and if you’ve ever pumped before you know what a PITA that can be! We had our hearts set on our baby only having breast milk, for we knew how beneficial it was to build a strong immune system, resistance to disease and infection, as well as many long term health benefits, so having milk donated to us was a huge stress reliever. 

Now that we decided we wanted donor milk, we had to find it. It was always quite a journey, trying to find milk, not knowing if we would get enough, driving all over the county, sometimes out of the county to pick up milk. Meeting other mamas who helped us feed our baby for a one time encounter/donation or for the fourth or fifth time suddenly became our friends, with us even scheduling play dates with our kids. Sometimes my husband would make the milk run – we joked that he was my milk man! Thankfully we got a lot of donors sent our way from our midwives.  They would give us a little background on the mama and we found comfort knowing they came recommended from them. We were so blessed to have had a few long term donors, one mama who pumped 45-50oz per day!!! When we would find donor mamas outside of our midwives (we used Eats on Feets Facebook page) there were a few questions our midwife gave us to have the donor answer. Since we had no connection with the mama, those questions helped us get to know her a little better and determine if she was a good match for us, our baby and our comfort level. 

Here are the questions - Can you tell me a bit more about you? What’s your baby's age? Do you drink alcohol/caffeine? Where did you deliver, hospital or home? Can you tell me a bit about your diet? I presume no, but any diseases you are positive for? 

I know some mamas that feel they don’t need to ask any questions and feel that if the donor mama breastfeeds her own baby then there is no need to worry about anything being wrong with the milk. For us, we liked to get to know the mama and it made us feel better when a donor mama didn't hesitate to answer any of our questions. I would hope she would put herself in my shoes and would do the same thing.

 

Our son has had about 10 different donors from birth to 1 year old.  We'd like to think he's a super baby with so many different mamas' antibodies! I feel like we can never thank our donor mamas enough for helping us feed our baby and giving him the chance to be as healthy as possible with only breast milk. With the help of my midwives (also a LC), my husband, my donor mamas, the SNS and both me and my sons want to EBF we are still nursing at 2 years old!!! We supplemented with the SNS using donor milk until 12 months old.  Then we used goat milk in the SNS until 18 months old. All of our hard work paid off when I finally became an EBF Mama! I feel like my supply improved with the use of the SNS and I never would have used the SNS if I didn’t have donor milk.

To put a cherry on this breastfeeding sundae, all of my donor mamas are now my friends. Some are my soul sisters, a part of the village of mamas I surround myself with to lift me up and cheer me on! This whole experience has enriched my life, my family’s life and given me peace with a decision I made to have surgery. Anything that is “worth” it, doesn’t come easy anyways!

One Breastfeeding Love, 
Mj Fisher (Married to Jason, Mama to Jason Jr. ~ 2 years old)

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Visit NursingFreedom.org and The San Diego Breastfeeding Center for more breastfeeding resources and WBW Carnival details!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants. Below are a list of links for today's participants; you can find a complete list of links (updated throughout the week) at our main carnival page:

(This list will be updated by afternoon August 5 with all the carnival links.)

• An Unexpected Formula-Fed Attachment — Kyle (of JEDI Momster and) writing at Natural Parents Network, exclusively breastfed three healthy babies. So when she was pregnant with her fourth, she assumed she would have no breastfeeding troubles she could not overcome. Turns out, her fourth baby had his own ideas. Kyle shares her heartfelt thoughts on how she came to terms with the conclusion of her breastfeeding journey.
• It Take a Village: Cross Nursing — Shannah at Breastfeeding Utah shares how cross-nursing helped her baby in their time of need, and how that experience inspired her to create a community of cross-nursing and milk-sharing women.
• Random little influences and Large scale support communities lead to knowing better and doing better — amy at random mom shares how her ideas and successes involved with breastfeeding evolved with each of her children, how her first milk sharing experience completely floored her, and how small personal experiences combined with huge communities of online support were responsible for leading and educating her from point A to point D, and hopefully beyond.
• Mikko's weaning story — After five years of breastfeeding, Lauren at Hobo Mamashares how the nursing relationship with her firstborn came to a gentle end.
• My Milk is Your Milk — Lola at What the Beep am I Doing? discusses her use of donor milk and hhow she paid the gift back to other families.
• World Breastfeeding Week 2013 Blog Carnival - Celebrating Each Mother's Journey — Jenny at I'm a full-time mummy lists her experiences and journey as a breastfeeding mother.
• Working Mom Nursing Twins — Sadia at How Do You Do It? breastfed her twin daughters for 7 months. They made it through premature birth and NICU stays, her return to full-time work, her husband's deployment to Iraq, and Baby J's nursing strike.
• So, You Wanna Milkshare? — Milk banks, informed community sharing and friends, oh my! So many ways to share the milky love; That Mama Gretchen is sharing her experience with each.
• Milk Siblings: One Mama's Milk Sharing Story (and Resources)Amber, guest posting at Code Name: Mama, shares how her views on milk sharing were influenced by her daughter receiving donor milk from a bank during a NICU stay, and how that inspired her to give her stash to a friend.
• Humans Feeding Humans — Krystyna at Sweet Pea Births shares ideas on how we can celebrate all the different ways modern mommies feed their babies. While we are comfortable with the breastmilk-formula paradigm, she proposes that we expand our horizons and embrace all the different ways mamas feed their infants.
• When Breastfeeding Doesn't Go As Planned — MandyE of Twin Trials and Triumphs shares the challenges she faced in feeding her premature twins. She's still learning to cope with things not having gone exactly as she'd always hoped.
• Taking Back My Life By Giving Away My Milk — When Amanda Rose Adams's first child was born, he was tube fed, airlifted, ventilated, and nearly died twice. In the chaos of her son's survival, pumping breast milk was physically and mentally soothing for Amanda. Before long her freezer was literally overflowing with milk - then she started giving it away.
• The Tortoise and the Hare — Nona's Nipples at The Touch of Life discusses why we care about breast milk and formula with everything inbetween.
• Finding My Tribe of Women Through Milk Sharing — Mj, guest posting at San Diego Breastfeeding Center shares her journey breastfeeding with low milk supply and supplementing with donor milk using an at the breast supplemental nursing system. She shares the impact milk sharing has had on her life, her family, and how it saved her breastfeeding relationship. Her article can also be found at her blog:
•  Human Milk for Human Babies — Sam at Nelson's Nest shares her perspective on milk-sharing after an unexpected premature delivery left her pumping in the hopes of breastfeeding her son one day. Sam's milk was an amazing gift to the other preemie who received it, but the connection was a blessing in the donor mom's life too!
• Sister, I Honor You — A mother feeding her baby is a triumph and should be honored, not criticized. Before you judge or propagate your own cause, go find your sister. A post by Racher: Mama, CSW, at The Touch of Life.
• Every Breastfeeding Journey Is Different, Every One Is Special — No two stories are alike, evidenced by That Mama Gretchen's collaboration of a few dear mama's reflections on their breastfeeding highs, lows and in betweens.
• Quitting Breastfeeding — Jen W at How Do You Do It? share a letter she wrote to her boys, three years ago exactly, the day she quit breastfeeding after 9 months.
• A Pumping Mom's Journey — Shannah at Breastfeeding Utah shares about her journey pumping for her son, who was born at 29 weeks.

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Creating a Sense of Community When Using Donor Milk

In an effort to demystify milk sharing, for the next few weeks we will be sharing stories from breastfeeding moms who either donated their excess breastmilk or supplemented their baby with someone else’s milk.  For more information about milk sharing, both informal and through milk banks, please visit our article: Supplement Options: Donor Milk, Milk Banks, and Formula, as well as our Boob Group podcast episode, Low Milk Supply: Donor Milk, Milk Banks, and Formula.

Today on the San Diego Breastfeeding Center blog, I am honored to share Cara's story, which demonstrates how a sense of community can blossom through supplementing with and donating breast milk.  If  you would like to submit your story to be shared with our readers, please email me at robinkaplan@sdbfc.com.  Thank you so much, Cara, for sharing your inspiring story with us!  Your daughter is so lucky to have you as her mother!

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I feed my daughter a mix of my breast milk, formula and donated breast milk from 5 different women. Not only has donated breast milk benefitted my daughter's digestion and overall health, it has introduced me to other moms that I'm now proud to consider part of my community.

We were only two days postpartum, after a beautiful unmedicated birth, when the first hospital-based lactation consultant looked at my breasts and her face fell a little bit. She informed me with a matter of fact tone that I might have breast hypoplasia/Insufficient Glandular Tissue (IGT).  She said not to try too hard or be too hard on myself, as physiologically I might never make enough milk for my daughter.  It turns out, she was right. When my milk finally came in, my daughter only transferred 10ml per feeding - less than half an ounce.  However, through herbal supplements, medication, and pumping after each feeding I've managed nearly 4 months later to increase that amount to 20-30ml per feeding, but that's another story for another time.  Bottom line: I've only ever made 8-10 ounces of breastmilk a day, max. Not nearly enough for my daughter.  So at 4 days postpartum, after my daughter's weight dropped too far and my milk supply was not increasing: my husband helped me begin supplementing with formula using a syringe and feeding tube at the breast.  I was just relieved to have a plan, and as my daughter thrived I was grateful for formula and the nourishment it was offering my baby.

At 6 days postpartum we met with a local IBCLC.  She guided us on how to continue trying to increase my milk supply, and in the meantime how much to supplement.  And she also mentioned donor milk.  

I originally brushed off the idea of donor milk.  While it made sense since human breast milk is the best food for babies, it seemed like it would be awkwardly intimate to use another mother's milk, and I was also afraid of disease. My husband and I were not in a place to pay the high price for formal milk bank donor milk, and informal channels made me nervous.  I was also clinging to the hope that all the work I was putting into making my own breast milk would pay off and I might someday be able to exclusively breastfeed.  A few weeks later, however, I had to come to the painful realization that would never happen.  I cried as I realized I would be supplementing my daughter’s diet with either formula or donor milk for the long-term.  

So I began looking into donor breast milk.  I checked out the Human Milk for Human Babies Facebook pages, but was too uncomfortable with the idea of taking milk from strangers, so I sent an exploratory email to the moms I know in the area, asking if they or anyone they knew had extra milk they could donate.  Somehow breast milk from friends or friends of friends made me a lot more comfortable.  I only sent that email to 6 other mamas, but one friend responded that her friend had some extra milk due to an oversupply.  Another friend/co-worker responded that she herself was weaning her toddler, and had just stopped pumping at work.  She offered to resume pumping once a day and donate that milk to us.  I was blown away with gratitude - what a gift… but, also nervous.  Do we trust other milk enough to feed it to our daughter?  My husband and I made a decision together: to trust.  We decided these moms were feeding this milk to their own babies, so we would choose to feed it to our baby as well.  

I first accepted donated breast milk from my friend and co-worker.  I supplied her with breast milk storage bags which she filled and labeled.  For her it was very little milk, just 4 ounces or so a day, but for us and my young baby that was a significant amount.  I was so grateful, and felt humbled.  This was a gift I could never repay.  I would normally be uncomfortable with this imbalance - accepting a gift I couldn't repay - but was willing to do anything for my baby.  And my friend's attitude helped tremendously - she was so kind and sweet and seemed honored to give this gift to my baby.  A few days later, this friend texted me asking if my daughter liked her milk.  I laughed as she explained that it felt like she'd made a casserole for someone -- and wanted to know if she liked it!  My daughter certainly liked her milk, and I texted her a picture of my daughter in a post-meal milk-drunk stupor with a happily full tummy.  After all - that happily full tummy was the reason we were doing all of this.

The friend-of-the-friend was also incredibly kind, and we set up a time to pick up the milk from her.  She made me comfortable by asking if we were OK with the two cups of coffee she has in the morning.  Just her awareness of this issue made me feel she was a conscientious Mama aware of how her breast milk could affect her baby, and my baby.  She did request that we not tell her husband - as he would be weirded out by it all.  This honestly made me a little uncomfortable as I was so recently myself overcoming the 'weirdness' factor.  But she also seemed honored to help out and with an oversupply was happy her milk was going to good use.

I then met a woman with oversupply at a breastfeeding support group.  She was exclusively pumping and had repeated bouts with mastitis so was pumping far more than her daughter needed in a day.  I picked up some donated breast milk from her - feeling comfortable because we'd met a couple times at group, and I knew she'd struggled to do her best for her baby.  We laughed a bit sadly as we realized we were in similar conundrums.  Both pumping all the time - me in an effort to build supply and her in an effort to stave off mastitis.  She seemed happy to help my daughter, and I promised to provide her with replacement breast milk storage bags.  Somehow - buying donor moms breast milk storage bags feels like I'm repaying them just a bit - or at least making it a bit easier for them. 

By 8 weeks of age my daughter was thriving with about a quarter to a third of her diet coming from my breast milk, and the rest a mix of formula and donor milk.  I was first afraid to tell my daughter's pediatrician that we were using donated milk.  At my daughter's two month appointment I tentatively brought up donor milk - then quickly mentioned I was aware of the risks of contracting diseases and the like.  Our pediatrician didn't seem fazed at all that I was using donated breast milk - and she even encouraged it.  She brought up the fact that women with new babies have been tested for infectious disease during their prenatal care - so the risks are very low.  She was very comfortable with us feeding my daughter donated breast milk, which made me even more comfortable myself!  

I was also so grateful for the donated breast milk as it also seemed to help my daughter’s tummy, as she began struggling with constipation from the iron in formula.  We switched formulas to a brand we thought was better and cheaper - double bonus.  However, my daughter started straining to pass hard little pellets, and stopped eating as much. We were very concerned.  We began to consider giving her apricot nectar to help her bowels and with the hope she would start eating enough again.  However, before the fruit juice, I wanted to try one more thing - my friend/co-worker had just given us about 12 ounces of breast milk so instead of spreading that amount out over a couple of days, I decided to try feeding it to her all in one day to see if it helped her tummy.  It did!  It made me sad to realize formula was affecting her so negatively, but so happy to have a tool on hand - donated breast milk - to help my daughter gently.  We switched back to a brand of formula we knew worked better for my daughter, but she still had sluggish bowels.    

Having seen the benefit of breast milk on my baby's tummy I decided to give Human Milk for Human Babies a try - milk from strangers.  This decision was also encouraged by an internet community I had found of other mamas with low milk supply - some of whom were exclusively feeding their babies with donated breast milk from many different mamas. I posted a request on the Human Milk for Human Babies Southern California page on Facebook.  Immediately after posting I panicked realizing the post might go up on other people’s news feeds.  While my husband and I had become comfortable with donated breast milk, and I was open about my low milk supply struggles with friends and family, I was NOT open about using donated breast milk.  I just didn't want to have to defend our decision, when we had been a bit conflicted about it ourselves.  I'm still not sure if it went up publicly or not, but I decided to only deal with it if someone brought it up. They didn't.  

First a woman in Anaheim asked if I would make the 3-4 hour round trip drive up there to get breast milk from her. I decided I wouldn't.  I wanted donated breast milk for my baby, but formula was working OK and I decided the time in the car in Southern California highway traffic was not worth it for me and my daughter.  Then another woman private messaged me saying she was in the area, had never donated before, didn't have any diseases, only had small amounts of alcohol after her infant daughter goes to bed for the longest stretch between feedings, and had some frozen breast milk that was about to expire and needed to be used.  Her message made me feel comfortable, and I messaged her back thanking her for her openness and explaining I had never accepted milk from a connection with a stranger on a website before.  We decided to meet for the first time at a mall near me, as she was going to the Hollister nurse-in.  

It felt kind of like a Craigslist sale, meeting this stranger to exchange goods, except without the financial component.  I texted her telling her to look for a woman wearing a sleeping baby in a baby carrier (me)- then she walked up wearing her daughter in a baby carrier as well - and with a large cooler full of frozen breast milk.  Her husband and older son were with her, but as we started talking breastfeeding and postpartum struggles they wandered away.  She sort of smiled and said her husband had wanted to come with her to meet this stranger from the internet.  We laughed and then I wondered: why the heck was I so willing to just go meet a stranger from the internet without anyone with me?!  Minutes after meeting her I'd felt comfortable.  She was a mama with plenty of breast milk who stored some up when her daughter was much younger - and as the frozen milk neared its expiration date, she didn't want it going to waste.  We are both moms who knew breast milk was best for our babies, and both moms doing our best to provide what we can.  We've stayed in touch, as she might have some more milk for us in the future as she easily pumps above and beyond her daughter's needs. Even if she doesn't, we are grateful for the gift she has given us.

Since then, I met another mom in a breastfeeding support group, also exclusively pumping and with more milk than her daughter needs.  After meeting her a few times and running into her in my neighborhood, she insisted she could begin providing us with fresh breast milk every couple of days.  I accepted. Once again, I felt comfortable as I knew she was doing the best she could for her baby and attending support groups for support.  Since then I've enjoyed meeting up with her for walks as we compared the struggles of new mama-hood.

I still sometimes have fears of my daughter contracting a communicable disease - or imagine the horror of a donor realizing she has something she didn't know she had - but have decided that the benefits outweigh the risks.  I'm not yet open with family about the fact that we're using donor milk.  Perhaps that's an indicator that I'm still not 100% OK with it, but mostly I think it's because I just don't want to have to defend our decision.  The heartbreak of low milk supply is something I've learned to speak rather matter of factly about -- but how we choose to feed our daughter is nobody’s business, but our own.  Who we choose to involve in that decision (for example: our pediatrician, our lactation consultant) is just that - our choice. Perhaps over time I'll be more open about the donor milk that is helping to nourish my daughter -- writing up our experience like this is a start!

Thanks to my breast milk, donated breast milk, and formula my daughter is thriving.  Thanks to donated breast milk I've gotten to know other moms in a new way and we've built a community I never even dreamed we'd have.  I am just so grateful for this gift other moms have given my daughter!

Mustering Courage to Accept Breastmilk From a Friend

In an effort to demystify milk sharing, for the next few weeks we will be sharing stories from breastfeeding moms who either donated their excess breastmilk or supplemented their baby with someone else’s milk.  For more information about milk sharing, both informal and through milk banks, please visit our article: Supplement Options: Donor Milk, Milk Banks, and Formula, as well as our Boob Group podcast episode, Low Milk Supply: Donor Milk, Milk Banks, and Formula.

Today on the San Diego Breastfeeding Center blog, I am honored to share Christine McCarty's story about how she mustered up the courage to ask a friend for extra breastmilk for her baby.  If  you would like to submit your story to be shared with our readers, please email me at robinkaplan@sdbfc.com.  Thank you so much, Christine, for sharing your inspiring story with us!

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My story starts several months ago, when my daughter was about 5 months. I have a friend who has Raynaud's disease and pumps constantly to continue to give her son the best nutrition she can. We were having a conversation about breastfeeding (as most of our conversations are about, lol) and she mentioned she produced 80-120oz PER DAY! A few weeks later I was off to see my favorite IBCLC frantic and in tears because for 2 days I had only pumped 1.5oz (from both breasts total, not individually) per pumping session at work. I remember hugging my lactation consultant, crying in her shoulder, telling her "I'm losing it, I'm losing my daughter's lifeline, I'm such a poor mom, I just can't keep up." After much reassurance, we got back on the right track, but I still had the issue that my production hadn't gotten back up to speed for the next day I had to go to work.

I was in the grocery store about to buy some formula when I thought of my friend and how she was complaining she was running out of freezer space.  I immediately put the formula back on the shelf. I knew I had to do something, but nothing about giving my daughter formula felt comfortable, and I wanted to exhaust the only other option I thought I had… my friend! I had to think about how to approach her to ask her about using her milk because I wasn't sure how comfortable she would be with it, since there's such a huge stigma attached. I mustered up the courage and called her to ask her to discuss milk sharing with her husband and see if they were mutually comfortable with it.  

My friend started crying and I was in shock! Had I offended her? Was she sorry for me and my low production rate? Was this the end of our friendship? No way! She said she was so honored that I would come to her to ask for help and this meant so much to her to be able to help our family and help my daughter! She talked it over with her husband that night and it was settled.  They brought 180oz to my house the next day along with her medical testing she had gotten done throughout her pregnancy and all she had afterwards, along with her son's paperwork.

The funny thing is, after I had gotten her milk, I became a total milk maid! My production boosted SO much! I'm sure it was because I knew I had her milk to rely on and that took off all the pressure I had put on myself.  I didn't even need to use her milk until I had to go out of town for a week for work when my daughter was 8 months old. This time she donated 300oz. My daughter drank and lived happily off of her milk while I was across the country and when I came back she latched right back onto me and we've been nursing beautifully ever since.  Now at 9 1/2 months she's still sucking strong and we'll continue to support breastfeeding and milk sharing :)

Also, my friend now feeds two other families who's children are exclusively drinking her milk (no solids yet), as well as her own six month old son, WHAT A ROCKSTAR!!!