Toddler Nursing Part II – Toddler vs. Breastfeeding

Written by guest blogger, Andrea J. Blanco, IBCLC

Have you ever read Dinosaur vs. Bedtime by Bob Shea?

“ROAR!! I’m a dinosaur! ROAR! NOTHING CAN STOP ME!”

It’s a cute little book about this dinosaur who faces many challenges, and wins all but one. The dinosaur is FOR SURE a toddler. I just know it.

In my previous post, we talked about some of the reasons why nursing a toddler can be a helpful transition for you and your little one. Dealing with a little person who has so many changes going on all at once can feel a lot like those battles in Dinosaur vs. Bedtime. Here are some suggestions for turning the tables on your little dinosaur or dinosaurette.

I want to keep nursing, but am being pressured to quit.

In this society, if you happen to be nursing your 3 month old, you are in the minority. Six months? You are an anomaly. If you’ve gotten to the point where you’re thinking of nursing your toddler, then it is safe to assume that not everyone around you will understand or agree that you are doing a very important, *normal* thing. However, dealing with that lack of support is crucial to your wellbeing and to the likely continuation of your breastfeeding relationship. So what can you do if the people closest to you don’t necessarily share your same enthusiasm?

First, have a conversation about their concerns. Be a good listener and find out why continued nursing is bothersome for them. It’s rarely about YOU nursing YOUR toddler that is offensive to them and has to do with other concerns, like spending time with you (in the case of a partner) or spending time with the baby (in the case of extended family) or concerns (real or perceived) over your work duties (in the case of an employer). If you’re able to get to the real issue for which breastfeeding is taking the hit, making small changes to show you are conscientious of their concerns will get the attention off the nursing and you and your toddler can continue your breastfeeding relationship.

There are times when despite your best efforts, it will feel like a lonely journey. However, in this day and age, that needn’t be the case. A lot of communities offer breastfeeding support groups and even breastfeeding toddler groups. Check with your local hospital or La Leche League chapter to see if there are any in your area. When my first was approaching toddlerhood, I found my support through online forums where I met some great, like-minded mommas whose virtual support was key to our continued breastfeeding success. If you’re on Facebook, become a member of one of the many groups there are offering mother-to-mother support. Are you on Twitter? Search #breastfeeding and for the most part, you’ll be met with tons of virtual kindness. What about downloading some great podcasts from The Boob Group? You don’t need an army of people cheering your name – sometimes one person who gets what you are going through is enough. Toddler Nursing vs. the World? Toddler Nursing WINS!

My toddler is very demanding about wanting to nurse, even when I don’t want to.

As you’ve probably realized, toddlers are VERY demanding about EVERYTHING. Nursing will definitely not be excluded. It’s easy to continue to fall into this routine of “on-demand” nursing when you’ve been at it for so long, but with your child’s developing language comes the understanding that we live in a world where patience and manners are necessary and there are boundaries. While breastfeeding does still serve a nutritional purpose in that second year of life, it probably isn’t what your toddler is surviving on alone. In the same way that you are curbing the throwing of sippy cups on the floor so hard that the top comes off and the water (if you’re lucky, it’s just water!) spills everywhere, you can begin to curb the octopus arms toddlers suddenly develop when trying to get to the breast. Model the behavior you wish to see and be gentle, but firm about it (laughing or smiling and cooing at how cute it is that your little one grabs at your shirt and pulls so hard while yelling for some milkies when you’re trying to say no isn’t very effective). Octopus Hands vs. Nursing Manners? Nursing Manners WIN!

But, what if I’m out and my toddler still wants to nurse?

Maybe nursing a baby in public has been a challenge for you. If so, then the idea of nursing a toddler in public is really intimidating. Because toddlers are all about exploring the world around them, they are [generally] easy to distract when you’re out. There was, however, that one time at mass when my little angel decided that the crayons and snacks I’d brought along weren’t going to cut it. Nothing like hearing “BOOOOOBIEEEEEE” being yelled out in a quiet room built to echo. As mortified as I may have been at the moment, it’s also one of my most cherished memories. If distraction isn’t working, with a little quick thinking, there’s always a quiet place you and your little one can go for that needed pit stop, breastfeeding under the choir robes included. Also, while you are aware you’re nursing a toddler, most people wouldn’t even think of it, so just as in the case of a baby, to a passerby, it can look like your child is sleeping on your lap, and nothing else (this, of course, doesn’t apply if your son has already announced his plans to the entire congregation). Boobie vs. Echo? Boobie WINS!

When all else fails, don’t forget – you can set boundaries. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I’ve dealt with countless clients who, by the time their child gets to a certain age, are having a hard time continuing the nursing relationship because of these demanding moments. If you are at your wit’s end and feel like you want to keep nursing but…, try to find a middle ground. If you are able to target the most stressful times and/or nursing behaviors, you can then find ways to work around them. Maybe that means finding gentle ways to say no by way of distraction more often than you are used to, but if it goes hand in hand with keeping your sanity and in turn, continuing your nursing relationship, then, whether your toddler agrees with you at the particular moment or not, it’s still a win/win situation. Demanding Toddler vs. Boundaries? Boundaries WIN!

Nursing a toddler, like having a toddler, isn’t always easy, but if you so happen to embark on the journey, you may find it is always worth it. It gives you another mothering tool to help navigate those battlefield moments and is a sure fire way to connect with your child amidst this busy life we lead. One day my little one got his finger caught in the door and came wobbling over to me, tears of pain streaming down his soft, round toddler cheeks. Instinctively, I lowered my shirt and offered the breast. The older one, worried about his brother, came over and said to him “You see, B? There is love in there so you’ll be ok.” I realized the only reason he felt that way was because of what he experienced at the breast by way of watching and doing. I couldn’t have asked for a bigger reward from my nursing relationships. Toddler vs. Breastfeeding? Love always wins. 

Andrea Blanco is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant at The Milk Collective Lactation Care, working with families in the Miami/Ft. Lauderdale area. She is the proud mom of 2 loving, spirited boys, who teach her humility, patience, humor, and the rules to more sports than she thought she’d need to know every day. When she’s not helping families achieve their breastfeeding goals, you can find her on the sidelines, at karate tournaments, or with her toes in the sand. She can also be found at themilkcollective.co, on Instagram @themilkcollective_ , facebook.com/themilkcollectivelactation or by email at: andrea@themilkcollective.co.

Toddler Nursing and How it Helped Me Manage My Circus – Pt I.

Written by guest blogger, Andrea J. Blanco, IBCLC

When my first son was a baby, he absolutely hated car rides. On a trip to the bookstore, I came across Dr. Seuss’ “All Aboard the Circus McGurkus!.” I read that book to him every day and soon came to find the only thing to keep him calm during those car rides was my reciting lines from the book.

“The Circus McGurkus, the World’s Greatest Show. On the face of the Earth or wherever you go…” 

My son is seven now and I still remember most of the lines. So, when I asked a group of moms to give me one word to describe toddler nursing in preparation for this post, imagine my delight in realizing their answers could fit right into our beloved book:

“Amazing. Demanding. A Haven. Stupendous.”

“Loving. Convenient. Tantrum Fixer. Endless.”

Ok, so maybe no one said “stupendous”. But, you get the idea.

If you are the mom of a newborn, the mere thought of nursing a toddler probably seems really daunting, and my advice to you is the same advice I give to my clients: Take it one day at a time. Nursing isn’t a race and the person who goes the longest doesn’t win or lose. This is about your personal journey with YOUR baby and doing anything other than taking it day by day is rushing an already hurried adventure.

My son was ten months old when I first realized maybe I would nurse him past a year. I remember thinking there probably wasn’t going to be some alarm that went off to tell him (or me) that he was supposed to be finished with nursing because it was his 1st birthday. I remember feeling like maybe, in my heart of hearts, we would continue. And we did, but not without some questions.

Is it “ok” to nurse into toddlerhood? 

There are myths out there that after a certain age (I’ve heard as young as 4 months), your breastmilk loses all value and *poof* you’re making water. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes, by the toddler years, your baby will be able to eat a wide variety of foods, but your breastmilk is still perfectly suited for his growing needs. In this second year of life, your breastmilk’s most important role takes center stage: continuing to support an immature immune system. It is the ultimate immune booster and is packed with tailor-made antibodies to help your toddler fight off all those germs she’s picking up at the playground (“Sweetie! What is that in your mouth?!”) and on all those playdates (“No, honey, that is NOT your water bottle.”).

Will I still be nursing every 2-3 hours?!

For one whole year, you have been at your baby’s beck and call. You, sweet mommy, are AMAZING. Don’t let those words, which fit perfectly in a Dr. Seuss story, scare you! While some mothers find it’s easier at times to nurse when the toddler wants it (remember, “Tantrum Fixer” is also up there), you are now living with a busy little bee who is newly mobile and has time for a lot of things, but sitting still and nursing isn’t top priority. Consider yourself her pit stop. Discovering the new world is about the most fun thing ever, but being so independent is also frightening. No, you won’t be nursing for hours on end like you did when your baby was younger. Instead you will be her home base. You will be what grounds her and tells her that it’s ok to go explore. And you will be that sense of reassurance in the same way you have been for the last year – by nursing.

Why would anyone want to nurse a toddler?

Aside from the very real health benefits, nursing a toddler is like being Mary Poppins. Let’s face it – we aren’t dealing with the most reasonable age group. They want what they want when they want it and still aren’t verbal enough or patient enough to understand why that can’t always be. They have teeth coming in, separation anxiety, bumps and bruises all over, difficulty understanding why you don’t understand what they’re saying and their veryadamant point of view, timeouts to protest, physics experiments to practice [by flinging things across the room]. Nothing softens those blows like curling up on Mommy’s lap and taking in the scents, sounds and feelings of the familiar: Love. Whether you are at home with your children or working outside the home, the reconnection that happens when you take a break with your little one is incredible. Sometimes, we don’t have 30 minutes to try and solve the problem (and often times, reasoning with a toddler no matter how much time we have just doesn’t work). But, just like Mary Poppins, we too have a magic potion we’re able to use to our advantage. Breastfeeding in the time of the Toddler Meltdown is often all it takes to defuse the situation.

The Technical Stuff. Did you know that, along with many other health agencies, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends nursing for a minimum of 1 year and “continuation of breastfeeding for as long as mutually desired by mother and baby”? The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding for “up to 2 years or beyond.” And, while it may not be common in the United States, considering the natural age of weaning worldwide is somewhere between 2.5 to 7 years, nursing into toddlerhood is really just a part of normal nursing.

In his book, Dr. Seuss introduces us to the Juggling Jot, “who can juggle some stuff you might think he could not”. Now when I read the original, longer version to my sons (If I Ran the Circus), I’ll be inclined to think that maybe, just maybe, he was really talking about the mom of a toddler as that Juggling Jot (he does, after all, juggle 22 question marks, 44 commas and also 1 dot). I, for one, am so thankful I was able to continue nursing past one year. Juggling my life, plus the life of my toddler and my family, would have been much more challenging had I stopped.

Come visit me again for Part II of Toddler Nursing, where we’ll talk about what to do when you have little support, how your milk supply will change while nursing a toddler, and how to handle tricky situations, like nursing a toddler in public.

Andrea Blanco is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant at The Milk Collective Lactation Care, working with families in the Miami/Ft. Lauderdale area. She is the proud mom of 2 loving, spirited boys, who teach her humility, patience, humor, and the rules to more sports than she thought she’d need to know every day. When she’s not helping families achieve their breastfeeding goals, you can find her on the sidelines, at karate tournaments, or with her toes in the sand. She can also be found at themilkcollective.co, on Instagram @themilkcollective_ , facebook.com/themilkcollectivelactation or by email at: andrea@themilkcollective.co.

Have you enjoyed nursing your toddler?  

What advice do YOU have for other moms who are thinking about breastfeeding into toddlerhood?

When a Toddler Bites While Nursing

Written by guest blogger, Leigh Anne O'Connor, IBCLC

Nursing a toddler is a confounding joy! He demands you sit. He does gymnastics and yoga while slurping your sweet nectar. Nursing is a great tool to calm a wild child or heal a skinned knee or a broken heart. These little people are growing rapidly. One day they are crawling, the next they are waddling toward the stairs or the dog food dish.  One day they mumble “mama” and “gaga” and then they learn the power of “NO!!” 

Another big change going on in the little body is the mouth – teeth are multiplying like bunnies in there. If a baby is latched correctly, his teeth are covered by his tongue.  Ah, but the older nursling has teeth on top and bottom! Yikes! As he is feeling those incisors pushing through his flesh nothing will sooth that sensation like biting down on something nice – like a breast!  Ouch! 

So, what is a mother to do?

Just as when a baby of any age bites the hand, (or breast that feeds him), the thing to do is not scream,  “ You little demon, you nearly amputated my breast!” Nor is it to cry out and run weeping into the streets or punt him across the room – though these ideas may make sense at the time. You take the little chomper off your breast and calmly, but firmly, tell him “No, you may not nurse if you bite.” Put him down off your lap and remain as emotionally neutral as you have it in you to be. This should neither be a game nor a horrifying experience. Biting is simply an unacceptable behavior.  After a brief period of being ignored he will either go on about his business or he may plead to have more sweet milk.  If you do offer the breast again tell him in no uncertain terms, “If you bite me again, you may not “nonnie” (or whatever word you use to nurse) again.” I do not mean forever – just at this time of the day.   A time or two like this should tame your little piranha.

Another reason toddlers bite is if they have a cold and cannot breathe so well while nursing. Some saline spray or nursing in a steamy bathroom or bedroom with a humidifier can help open up those little nasal passages.  

Some moms say that her baby bites if she is pregnant or if her milk supply is low (which can be caused by being pregnant). I cannot count how many women have called me to discuss their newly biting toddler. We run through the list of possibilities.

“Are you pregnant?” I ask.

I can almost see through the phone the look of surprised possibility on her face.

“Well, I don’t know. I don’t think so. Well, maybe. I gotta go now!”  

A couple days later my phone rings. “You were right! I am pregnant!” She had run to the drug store to buy a pregnancy test.

If your baby really chomps down hard you can hold him tight to you so that he is forced to open his mouth. Another approach is to put your finger in his mouth   between the teeth and break the latch.

Many moms think this is a time to wean. It can be scary. And, if you talk about it you can be led to believe that this is a sure sign to wean. It is just a stage that some – not all, I promise – toddlers go through.

As you negotiate your way, nursing an older baby in a world where most babies are weaned by their first birthday, you step lightly in your discussions with other mothers. Sometimes you find you are part of a secret society. You find these other mothers who nurse their toddlers and you laugh together at the antics and the sweetness of nursing a talking, opinionated human. You share your battle scars, which can sometimes be teeth marks on your areola.

Here are a few other great articles about how to deal with a toddler who bites while nursing:

Teething and Biting by Anne Smith, IBCLC

Nursing a Teething Toddler by LLLI

Here is some advice from our Facebook readers:

Marie: A firm no and gentle tap on his cheek usually disctracted him.  If he continued to bite, then we stopped nursing for a minute.  If he was done, he’d go and play.  If he still wanted to nurse, I would try again.  A third bite meant we were done.  Also, I would use phrases he understood like, ”Biting gives Mommy owies.  We do not bite.”

Chloe: We have one serious bite at 8 months.  It was at the zoo.  I had to unlatch him and leave him with a friend to go to the restroom and deal with the blood.  That was traumatic enough that he didn’t do it again.  Sometimes he gets a little wild while nursing if something strikes him as funny, but he calms right down if I unlatch him for a minute.

What tips do you have for a mother whose toddler is biting while nursing?

Leigh Anne O'Connor is Lactation Consultant in Private Practice in New York City, as well as a La Leche League Leader. Her blog is Mama Milk and Me.  She lives with her husband, Rob, and their three children, Phoebe, Chloe & Finn.

Entertaining a Toddler While Breastfeeding a Newborn

I cannot begin to tell you how excited we are about the 100 or so amazing questions submitted to our article, What Breastfeeding Topics Would You Like to Know More About?  From inquiries about breastfeeding after reduction surgery to dealing with a teething infant, our blog calendar is now FULL for the rest of the year, just answering your questions!  YAY!!! 

For the rest of the year, Thursday will be the day we delve into our readers’ questions, adding to our series, Help A Breastfeeding Mama Out!  We will also answer your questions on our ‘Ask the Experts’ segment on The Boob Group online radio show.

Here is our question of the week:

Dear SDBFC,

I would love to learn more about nursing a second baby with a toddler running around. I remember how hard it was with C and how it consumed everything for the first couple weeks getting my daughter to latch, and nurse, and stay awake to nurse...and I am due in October when C will be two and the thought of doing that with her running around terrifies me. Any tips?
 

Alicia
 

Dear Alicia,

Absolutely!  I remember like it was yesterday bringing home my newborn from the hospital and introducing him to his 15 month old brother.  Those first few weeks were a whirlwind, trying to figure out breastfeeding again and trying to entertain my toddler, whose world had just been turned upside down.

Tips for Entertaining a Toddler While Breastfeeding a Newborn

Tip #1: Enlist all family members and friends to come hang out with your 2 year old as much as possible.  It can be a difficult transition for an older child when a new baby arrives, so we tried to make sure that our older son had lots of attention in the beginning.  Let’s just say that Ben went to the park, the zoo, and the grandparent’s house quite often those first few weeks after his brother was born, which left me many hours to work on breastfeeding and get to know my new little one. 

Tip #2: Have a box of special toys that can only be played with when you are nursing your newborn.  My son was so excited to pull out these new exciting trains, books, and cars whenever I sat down to nurse.  I could see his face light up as I pulled out this box several times a day.  I also included small snacks in this box….ones that he could eat on his own.

Tip #3: Learn to nurse in a carrier, wrap, or sling as soon as possible.  This was an absolute lifesaver.  Let’s be honest….even with a new baby in the house, the older child (or children) still run the show J  So, I learned very early on to nurse my younger son in the ergo…at the park, at the zoo, on a walk, etc.  Then I was hands-free to make sure that Ben didn’t slip through the cracks on the playground’s play structure, all while nursing my younger infant.  It was awesome!

Here are some fantastic tips from a few of our Facebook followers:

From Nubia: puzzles : ) coloring, reading. If nothing works, their favorite tv show.

From Andrea: reading books, singing songs, talking about what you're going to do with your toddler whilethe  baby naps, give them a snack too!

From Beverly: Snacks, story time, flash card app on the cell phone

From Crystal: Cell phone!! The kid loves angry birds...hehe!

From Amber: Hand them a tampon in the wrapper. No joke. Entertainment for a good 20 minutes!

From Chrissy: Have a special basket of things they get only when mommy breastfeeds...give that time to your toddler to help make them feel special..read them their favorite story, or sing them some songs..bring out some instruments and have fun! It’s also beneficial to your nursing little one to hear you reading that story or singing those songs. You could also have some sensory bottles...look them up online. You can make an ocean bottle and various noise maker bottles with different textured things in water bottles that they can shake up and look at or use as instruments

From Ariel: I love reading books to my toddler while I nurse. When I'm in a pinch, sesame street on youtube is actually quite fun, too. But I always try to go for the books first! :)

Lastly, here are a few articles and podcasts discussing this exact topic:

/blog/2011/10/6/advice-for-a-breastfeeding-mom-with-an-older-toddler.html

http://www.theboobgroup.com/managing-a-toddler-while-breastfeeding-a-newborn/

Thanks so much for your question, Alicia!

Warmly,

SDBFC

Managing a Toddler and a Newborn

This is Kim, Robin’s sister-in-law. I have three amazing daughters, one which was just born 4 days ago. In my 4.5 years of being a mom, I’ve read a fair amount about parenting and have gotten some really great (and some really terrible, uninvited, and/or borderline-criminal) advice along the way. I thought I’d share some of the highlights with you from time to time.

When my second daughter was born, my first was 22 months old. Like most moms adding another child to the family, I was concerned about how I would manage two little ones and how my first would react to a new baby joining our family. I sought out tons of advice and suggestions, and I’ve included the ones I found most helpful below. Now, as a caveat, I think these suggestions are great when the older sibling is a toddler. Some of them probably work no matter what the age, but obviously some will not apply if you have a preschooler or older, or if you’re having your kids super close together. So, try what makes sense to you, and disregard what won’t work - which, incidentally, is my approach to all parenting advice.

Before the baby is born:
Quick summary: Before the baby was born, we had two main objectives: We wanted to make sure that our first child 1) was aware she was getting a new sister and viewed it as a positive experience and 2) had already learned concepts like patience and independence.

Introducing the concept
We wanted our first child to understand that our lives were going to change, but to view this change positively. So, we made sure she was prepared, had some sense of exactly what would change, and knew that her role as big sister was important and appreciated. Here are some things we did:

* Once I started showing, we told my first about the baby coming. She didn’t really understand what we were talking about, but it was good to start getting the thought in her head and introduce her to the idea gradually.

* We talked about the new baby when it made sense, but not constantly. A toddler’s concept of time is different than ours, so spending so much time talking about something that’s not happening for months would most likely have bored, annoyed, and confused her. However, if we saw a baby at the park, I would say, “Your baby sister is going to be small like that!” or “When your baby sister comes, Grandma is going to come visit! Won’t that be fun?” We always kept the conversation positive.

* We got some positive books about being a big sibling and read them every now and then. Our two favorite titles: My New Baby and I’m a Big Sister (also comes in Brother). I really like the first book because it doesn’t have any words. You can make up your own story about what it’s like to have a new baby, and more importantly, you can let your child narrate and get a sense of how they’re approaching becoming a big sibling. I enjoy both books because they are POSITIVE about the experience and don’t assume that the older child will have feelings of jealousy or anger. If that ends up happening after the baby is born, deal with it then. Don’t put the idea in the kid’s head before it’s even a problem!

* We encouraged my first to be a part of the preparations for the new baby. We let her “try out” the bouncy chair and sit in the crib. She picked which books would stay in her room and which would go into the bookcase for the new baby. This will helped foster the idea that being a big sib is an important and fun job, and reassured her that she was still very much a valued member of our family.

Tomorrow’s post will be the continuation of Kim’s journey of managing her toddler and newborn.

Encouraging Independence and Patience:
The fact is that when there’s a newborn in the house, everyone else takes a back seat. Since I was either nursing or attached to a pump for like 80% of the day, I needed my first to be able to entertain herself and do things for herself. However, I didn’t want her to feel displaced by the baby or feel like the baby caused all the changes (even though she basically did). So, we started practicing patience and independence before the baby came. Here are some things we did:

* We introduced and practiced activities that she could do independently, such as drawing, puzzles, and playdough. This way she got used to playing on her own for an extended period of time before it was directly related to me being busy with her sister. If she asked for help, I would kindly redirect her to doing it herself. ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT both before and after baby: when my daughter was doing activities herself, I was always watching and providing specific feedback and praise that let her know I was paying attention and still interacting with her. An example: “Wow, you drew a red truck! Do you want to add some wheels?”

* I started taking a while to do things and asking her to wait. At first, this seemed silly since I could have done when she asked immediately, but again, this was getting her used to the concept of having to wait for things. I didn’t have to frame it negatively. For example, if she asked, “Mommy, can I have some juice?” I would say, “Yes, in one second. Just let me finish this article I’m reading.” Then if she waited patiently, I would be genuinely appreciative (again, with specific feedback): “Thank you so much for waiting. I really appreciate how patient you were.”

* We started working on independent self-care. Anything I could think of that she could do herself, we started practicing. This included: putting on her own shoes, climbing into her carseat and buckling the top buckle, getting cups and utensils herself from a low-level cabinet, filling her own water cup from the fridge. Again, specific and genuine praise whenever possible. “Did you buckle your carseat yourself? Wow, you are such a big girl! I’m really impressed!” My daughter LOVED to do things herself, so this wasn’t a tough sell. And when her sister arrived, she was already well-practiced at these tasks and it saved me a ton of time and energy when I was suddenly trying to take two kids to Safeway.

After the Baby is Born
Quick Summary: After our second was born, our goal was to integrate her into the family while changing our oldest’s life as little as possible. We felt this would minimize any feelings of jealousy and would lead to a strong bond between them. This started when my oldest first came to meet her sister at the hospital and continues today.

At the hospital:
* We had a framed picture of our family of 3 displayed prominently in the room to show our oldest we were thinking of her while we were away.
* When our oldest came to visit for the first time, Grandma came in first and took the baby, then Dad brought our oldest in. That way, when she came in to see me for the first time, my arms were open to hug her and give her attention. Her first visual was not “I’ve been replaced by a baby.”
* We had a present for her on-hand that was “from her sister” (for us it was a book). At first I thought this was totally patronizing to her, but man did she LOVE it! Baby sister made quite the first impression!

At home and beyond:
* We made every effort to keep the normal routine. Big sister still went to school even though I was on maternity leave, and we kept up our regular playdates.
* I wore the baby whenever possible in a baby carrier so that I still had hands free to interact with my oldest. (“Why yes, lady at the park, my boob is out since I’m nursing a newborn in a wrap and using my free hands to help my daughter off the swing! Your point is....”)
* Continued specific feedback and praise for all examples of patience and independence.
* One-on-one time with our oldest as much as possible, both with Dad and with Mom. We wanted to make sure that our oldest felt special for being a big sister, not forgotten.


So, there you have it folks. Again, these are the suggestions and tactics that worked best for our family. Our girls have a great relationship. I could, of course, conclude 100% that it was my “excellent parenting and preparation” that led us to this point, but it’s also possible that we could have done none of this and they’d still be best friends, or we could have done all of it and we’d still be trying to prevent the oldest from smothering the youngest in her sleep. But you have to start somewhere, right?